I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
