you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
