A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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