so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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