I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
