Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
