Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she pinky promised me she was 18
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
