So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
