If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
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