It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
