feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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