im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So many bounce houses so little time
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Send help, water and tortillas.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
