New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
