Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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