Yo dont text me then not text me
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
