I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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