it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
