dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
