Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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