Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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