k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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