He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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