I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
