I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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