this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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