Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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