I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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