I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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