I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
