it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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