She's JV to your varsity
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
