Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
