dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
