It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
