i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
