Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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