i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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