Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
