im six kinds of drunk right now
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
