I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
