I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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