i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
