Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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