You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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