i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
