Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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