i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's blow job season.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
