Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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