Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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