When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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